New Year’s Resolutions for Bu$h

Fantasy-league New Year’s Resolutions for George W. Bush

My favorites:

* Lose the fake Texas accent once and for all.
*Come clean on the National Guard past and apologize to Dan Rather.
*Watch An Inconvenient Truth all the way through ten times.
*Take a long walk, alone, in Arlington Cemetery.
*Repudiate publicly the hateful smear tactics of Karl Rove.
* Close Gitmo.
* Pay attention to the polls; they are the voice of the people that employ you.
* Realize that you are a PUBLIC SERVANT, not king.
* Repudiate publicly the vicious politics of homophobia.
* Come clean on all of the lies leading up to the Iraq War.
* Work harder.
* Stop blaming everyone else.
* Learn the difference between Sunnis and Shiites.
* Read the U.S. Constitution.
* Read the Geneva Conventions.
* Bring the troops home.
* Take a long walk, alone, in New Orleans’ Lower 9th Ward.
* Stop illegal governmental surveillance and eavesdropping.
* Find effective ways to improve the security of our ports and borders.
* Let go of the delusion that history will somehow vindicate a failed presidency.
* Think about resigning (call it preempting impeachment).
* Think.
* Repent.

* Admit that you’re back on the sauce.
* Gain 3 lbs. Between your ears.
* Throw a bridal shower for Condi’s marriage to Satan.
* Eliminate the practice of presidential signing statements and nullify those you have already written.

* Go hunting with Dick Cheney.